Green Tomatoes: fried, boiled, pickled, mashed - and for self-defense

It has been a lousy year for tomatoes. Two years of growing tomatoes on my roof terrace just culminated in a disaster. After last summer’s abundance of ripe and juicy fruits, this summer: hot July + wet August = Green Tomatoes dropping off the gigantic plants like flies.

So what the heck shall one do with them? Make a movie, of course!


Fried Green Tomatoes

Does anybody actually fry green tomatoes but in an American Movie? Apparently yes – and they’re not too bad. Slice them in 4-5 mm slices, discard the edges, sprinkle with salt and let sit for a while to get juicy.

Pat the slices in wheat flour with some ground white pepper in it, and fry in olive oil on medium heat until soft inside and crispy outside.

No need to have the movie at hand. Edible, easy to digest and cheap – as one would guess.

Got the Oscars, but there’s more of those things…

Green Tomato Chutney could be a good choice. Takes lots a tomatoes and sounds clever. For making that stuff you need about 5 times more added ingredients than those darn tomatoes. Red onions, raisins, vinegar, brown sugar, spices – and time! Well, due to the avalanche of tomatoes approaching, boiling it By the Pot.

Just the amount of gas needed to cook the stuff would have kept a small Norwegian Village warm over the Christmas holidays! So forget being economical with this choice - Bye-Bye ROI!

Done what done - sealing the stuff into pretty, sterilized glass jars. Will use them as presents, bribes, threats and paperweights. At least yet another load of the tomatoes is used, not trashed.

But there’s still more!

Pickle them! Slice, dice and put them in a jar with anything you can find in your kitchen. Chilli peppers, mustard seeds, bay leaves, cardamom pods, garlic, blackcurrant leaves, thumb-size aliens, and top with boiling vinegar-sugar-salt brine (no water!). Put the jar in the fridge, shake at times and pray for two weeks.

"Crispy, eh? -->

You never know what you get but can pretend it being Cuisine Nouveau when your guests wonder what that “interesting looking, crunchy condiment” is in that tiny bowl next to their dinner plate.

Experiment - it can be one darn tangy success!

And with the rest, then… You Clever, Oh-So-Mighty One?

The rest you can mash into green pulp. Pretend it is Ectoplasm and use for special effects, magically emitting from your mouth during your candle-lit Autumn Séances.

Well, the Victorians did…

<--- Victorian Spiritualist, in deep trance contacting a tiny Alien, with green tomato ectoplasm emitting from her ethereal body. "Darn tight here with all those tomatoes!" - she tells, channeling the spirit...


Self-Defense with Green Tomatoes

At the end you cannot find anybody who wants to have yet another jar of the Chutney you made. Start practicing Self Defense!

Tie a long, strong ribbon around the neck of a jar and start swinging it around. Start slowly increasing the speed gradually until you get it flying around your head in perfect circles. By controlling the path of the swirling pot, you can begin with some aiming exercises. Try to hit an empty beer can from, say 1,5 meters distance first. With practice and effort, you will master the technique and feel safe walking on the streets at night again.

The only thing you need for Personal Safety is some strong ribbon and a jar of Green Tomato Chutney!

Chinese kids practicing. Too young to use Chutney Jars yet  -->

Check your insurance policy before your first practice session. There’s a great risk for both material and personal damage involved.



Mooses says: Green Tomatoes are so much more than a movie!