Green Tomatoes: fried, boiled, pickled, mashed - and for self-defense

It has been a lousy year for tomatoes. Two years of growing tomatoes on my roof terrace just culminated in a disaster. After last summer’s abundance of ripe and juicy fruits, this summer: hot July + wet August = Green Tomatoes dropping off the gigantic plants like flies.

So what the heck shall one do with them? Make a movie, of course!


Fried Green Tomatoes

Does anybody actually fry green tomatoes but in an American Movie? Apparently yes – and they’re not too bad. Slice them in 4-5 mm slices, discard the edges, sprinkle with salt and let sit for a while to get juicy.

Pat the slices in wheat flour with some ground white pepper in it, and fry in olive oil on medium heat until soft inside and crispy outside.

No need to have the movie at hand. Edible, easy to digest and cheap – as one would guess.

Got the Oscars, but there’s more of those things…

Green Tomato Chutney could be a good choice. Takes lots a tomatoes and sounds clever. For making that stuff you need about 5 times more added ingredients than those darn tomatoes. Red onions, raisins, vinegar, brown sugar, spices – and time! Well, due to the avalanche of tomatoes approaching, boiling it By the Pot.

Just the amount of gas needed to cook the stuff would have kept a small Norwegian Village warm over the Christmas holidays! So forget being economical with this choice - Bye-Bye ROI!

Done what done - sealing the stuff into pretty, sterilized glass jars. Will use them as presents, bribes, threats and paperweights. At least yet another load of the tomatoes is used, not trashed.

But there’s still more!

Pickle them! Slice, dice and put them in a jar with anything you can find in your kitchen. Chilli peppers, mustard seeds, bay leaves, cardamom pods, garlic, blackcurrant leaves, thumb-size aliens, and top with boiling vinegar-sugar-salt brine (no water!). Put the jar in the fridge, shake at times and pray for two weeks.

"Crispy, eh? -->

You never know what you get but can pretend it being Cuisine Nouveau when your guests wonder what that “interesting looking, crunchy condiment” is in that tiny bowl next to their dinner plate.

Experiment - it can be one darn tangy success!

And with the rest, then… You Clever, Oh-So-Mighty One?

The rest you can mash into green pulp. Pretend it is Ectoplasm and use for special effects, magically emitting from your mouth during your candle-lit Autumn Séances.

Well, the Victorians did…

<--- Victorian Spiritualist, in deep trance contacting a tiny Alien, with green tomato ectoplasm emitting from her ethereal body. "Darn tight here with all those tomatoes!" - she tells, channeling the spirit...


Self-Defense with Green Tomatoes

At the end you cannot find anybody who wants to have yet another jar of the Chutney you made. Start practicing Self Defense!

Tie a long, strong ribbon around the neck of a jar and start swinging it around. Start slowly increasing the speed gradually until you get it flying around your head in perfect circles. By controlling the path of the swirling pot, you can begin with some aiming exercises. Try to hit an empty beer can from, say 1,5 meters distance first. With practice and effort, you will master the technique and feel safe walking on the streets at night again.

The only thing you need for Personal Safety is some strong ribbon and a jar of Green Tomato Chutney!

Chinese kids practicing. Too young to use Chutney Jars yet  -->

Check your insurance policy before your first practice session. There’s a great risk for both material and personal damage involved.



Mooses says: Green Tomatoes are so much more than a movie!

New Social Media - A Book Club for Ugly People

One of these evenings sitting on my roof with Milano and her b.f. Emil, an idea was about to materialize. Being very social, energetic, beautiful and educated young woman, with wit in English language making Mooses humble, the momentum was worth exploring further. While the pondering discussion about all the options a person has in this life went on, she came up with one of her dreams which was not a Fish Farm.

<-- Edina Monsoon on the arms of a brother of a Fish Farm owner.

It was a Book Club. Starting easy, finding some interested people to get together, say every other week in a small, cozy restaurant and have a casual, literate evening together. Everybody brings a book along - which they have read during the past 2 weeks, preferably - and quote some lines from it for all present. And then the group discusses the feelings, expressions, deep thought and meaning of it all. Some wine and nibbles. A glass of liqueur to the more poetic members? Perfect!

Maybe a small fee for the Hostess would be in order? For the nibbles?

Being a teacher of Business English, and a really good one, some extra´s could be added to that Literate Evening with Milano. Some vocabulary enhancement and pronounciation exercises, perhaps. Well, just to correct some common mistakes of the non-English, particularly Dutch folks, like to use "I want to please my Manager" instead of "I want to pleasure my Boss." Or to learn the difference of "borrow" and "lend" - or "teach" and "learn".

For that extra, the fee for the hostess would certainly be justified!

All things so bright and beautiful

Do not take me wrong, Milano´s idea is good. But in the Age of Facebook, Youtube, syncronized multi-band mobile phones and WFH (working from home), the social side of this idea needs to be explored further.

<--a cozy Night Cafe by Vincent van Gogh

Are Book Lovers generally good looking? Nopey. Therefore it would be good to emphasize that aspect in the style of this particular Book Club. And make it a dating service at the same time. For ugly people.

A fee for the hostess gets a totally different meaning...



"Don´t Judge the Book by the Cover" - a Book Club for Ugly People

Picture this: a picturesque off-center Amsterdam cafe, windy and drizzling rainy Thursday evening in the autumn, soft lights dancing in the misty windows of the place and a happy concoction of sounds seeping into the wet streets outside.

Tempting. I carry a book with me, I wear a long raincoat... I know a few lines from the book. It is Opus Pistorum by Henry Miller. I liked the idea with the dates and want to share that with other people. Gjahhahhah... drool...

"Welcome to our Literate Evening!"  says the Lovely Hostess at the door.  "3 Euros, please? It is for the Dates. You look lovely tonight, and the boys are already in here!"

I pay my 3 Euros and am ready. Henry, Henry, Henry... 


Mooses says: Keep your hands above the blanket.

Anne Frank's Chestnut Tree in Amsterdam

...withered away the other week.

During an Autumn Storm, which are far from uncommon in Amsterdam, The Anne Frank Tree cracked, broke into pieces and collapsed into the backyard gardens where it had been growing all it's life. Very so poetic and sad, no doubt. The AF Tree is No More. Not much damage caused to those priceless Canal Houses around, so the law suits are likely to be minimal. Tears. Publicity!

Years ago Mooses lived by his dear lover in a house just opposite the tree. The backyard garden was shadowed by it, and we had a Barbie or two under those historic branches. The garden was an overgrown wilderness, but I was not allowed to break a twig.

"History, you know, history in those weeds which grow around this tree!" *rumble of thunder*

Then an idea hit Mooses: collect those beautiful, shiny brown chestnuts the tree produces every autumn in abundance and sell them to tourists!

Nice cardboard box, some pink cotton wool and a shiny chestnut inside with a slogan: Genuine Anne´s Nut! Sunny soil, bit of luck with 180 years of patience and you'll have it at your own Back Yard!

15 Euros only, special offer for you, my Friend! -->

Tourists, queuing  gladly for hours to see the AF House are like sitting ducks, easy targets for the Sinister Nut Salesman! Who could resist an opportunity to have a real AF Tree at home? Why not buy two? Fits your patio, too!

Nonono - fear of the AF Folks across, risk for court cases and embarrassment. And the lack of morals doing something like that! I was a Bad Person even thinking of it. Stomme Buitenlander!

The AF Tree got sick

Then few years ago, the tree was officially and publicly declared half-rotten, sick to it´s roots and risk to it's environment. First a huge amount of time was spent having Polder Model discussions with millionaire house owners around the tree, local Granny Club, Amsterdam City Council, Human + Vegetable Rights Organisations and whole bunch of other entities having absolutely nothing to do with the emerging national drama. The talks were followed by microscopic analysis of the tree trunk by Biologists and just to be sure, a couple of Gynecologists as well, and topped by the devastation of the AF Society about potentially loosing income if the tree is lost – oh, and never to mention the International Publicity.

A very sick tree --->

Finally a decision was made to support that rotting tree with a metal frame. Lets give The AF Tree a hip-replacement! It was about to collapse that time already! The AF Tree got a Cast.

Tourists continued queuing to see the house and a glimpse of it. For a fair fee. Celebrate! Publicity! 

The AF Tree is considered to be at risk? 

This sudden media attention brought a chance for a quick buck. Before you can spell Mooses backwards, people having access to that garden started to cash on my old idea selling the nuts. You could buy those darn things on Auction Sites! Now its all right to sell some Anne's Nuts? The more nuts sold, the more potential AF Trees are saved! Protecting the History! Darn I was dumb not to keep my head that time...

Dolly was cloned. How about the New AF Tree?

The AF Tree is No More! But there’s a catch... A New Tree is being grown in secrecy. There is a Copy of it waiting to be planted back. A healthy tree of almost three meters, grown in a secret nursery.

But is it a Clone or is it a Seedling? We do need some DNA proof before we can allow our grandchildren to re-live all this, don´t we? Bring in the Biologists, and just to be sure, the Gynecologists, too. Publicity!

<--- Dolly The Sheep A Clone, not a Seedling. Dolly is no more.

Whoever bought those nuts will never get the *same* tree back. Only a rooted branch (a Clone) is The Same. But the original tree which crashed was huge and accessible to many, and for a long time (and still is at the time of writing this). So it’s only a matter of time before The True Clones of AF Tree will be on the market. Keep your eye on the Auction Sites! 

Yes, AF Tree is a Symbol of Hope and Mooses agrees. This Blog is NOT about the Symbol, it is about a rotting tree between houses in Amsterdam. But OK, not just any tree - and that makes people behave somewhat weird... Wanna buy a nut? Not?? An AF Coffee Mug perhaps...

Mooses says: Cloning is the most common way to produce the plants you buy for your home.

Never join a BBQ prepared by Highly-Educated Men!

A Dutch free magazine "Spits" warns us lowly-educated summer people about the risks involved with joining a nice little Barbecue with highly-educated men. Not because of any Hanky-Panky, but due to bad hygiene these filthy, filthy men in suits display when preparing the BBQ. Spits reports that yearly about a half a million Dutch people get ill due to BBQ meat which has been outside of a fridge for too long.

 A victim of a Highly-Educated Man's Barbecue. --->

According to the article, more than 80% of university-trained men do not use a cool-bag to take meat or fish home from the shop. And more than 25% of men do not put the meat into the fridge within one hour.


How horrible indeed! (Mooses shivers of disgust...)
<--- BBQ Role Model: A University Educated Man with a Cool Bag.


The magazine does not report, however, how many men keep the beer out of the fridge longer than absolutely necessary. And when the beer is in, there is simply no room for the meat, you Health Freaks!

Properly prepared BBQ Fridge --->

Giving a safe-margin of one hour for meat being outside of the fridge before slamming it on the grill is sheer nonsense. Particularly if you grill them through and we're not talking about soaking the meat in it's own juice under the sun for several hours. You did buy fresh products, did you? For a good result, meat needs to be at least room temperature before being put on the grill.

But OK, before you start sending your "disagree!" messages to Mooses, there is a simple thing to keep in mind. Do not use the plates, cutting boards, knives and other utensils you used handling the raw stuff for the cooked food. Have a clean set of tools for the stuff you serve from the grill. Particularly true if you cook chicken!

But please, do leave those darn Hygienic Wipes out of the BBQ picture, OK?

Mooses Says: Happy Birthday, Barbie!


PS, What comes to cool-bags, Mooses uses them only when taking home ice-cream or other sensitive frozen foods and if the trip back to my freezer would take, say more than 30 minutes. Due to shopping usually just around the corner, that boils down to "almost never".